Insecurity Rears Its Ugly Head
Aug. 18th, 2010 11:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psyche29OK, so I found a job with another hospital network for which I think I could actually be a contender. But I have a few misgivings. Not about the job itself, but about leaving here.
I would definitely miss some people here, but that's not enough to keep me. It's the freaking AWESOME benefits I have, the huge amount I already have in the pension plan because I've been here for just shy of eleven years, the excellent PTO accumulation I have, etc. I don't think I'm going to find a better set of benefits anywhere.
The job I want to try for also has a really sweet work schedule - I'd be full time, but my hours would be Sunday through Thursday, from 11:30 AM till 8:00 PM. Which I LOVE. BUT, of course, it means I'd have to give up my secretary position for chapter; we only meet 18 times a year, but meetings start at 7:30 on Thursdays. I don't know how to NOT feel guilty about leaving them in the lurch.
And I told my supervisor about the job, that I was considering applying, because I don't want to blindside him. He is the only person in my direct chain of command who seems to understand the gravity, the seriousness of me leaving the department. Any hesitation to leave this area? It's all centered around leaving him stranded. He already is overwhelmed with too much work, too many people doing too many different things, and he leans on me a LOT. I don't resent it, even like it. But because of the manager and now the lies a coworker is bringing up, I have lost any desire I once had to keep doing this. Or rather, to keep doing this HERE.
And Jim (my supervisor) encourages me, too. He tells me that I should do whatever I want, because he doesn't want to hold me back. He also reminds me that he's going to do what he can to keep me, which I can respect.
But the thing is, I don't necessarily want more money. Sure, it'd be nice, but none of this is about money. If this place really wants to keep me, if he asks me, "What would it take to make you stay here?" I will look him dead in the eye and answer, "Victoria and Michelle gone." He knows I already feel that way, but I haven't said it so succinctly yet, or with the firmness that is absolutely behind it.
And of course, he doesn't have the power to get rid of them - Victoria is HIS supervisor, for pity's sake, and she's already promised Michelle that she "won't lose her job over this." It's a no-win situation. I can't get the help I should have, I don't have a manager who understands how things really work around here, I don't have coworkers who can carry their weight, much less think both inside and outside the box, there's little to no real communication, and for all the restructuring and changes being made, things here DO NOT GET BETTER.
And because I'm a peon and Victoria's a manager, because neither the director nor HR can understand how it is up here, it ends up working around to me being the loser. They're not going to get rid of a manager just because *I* threaten to leave. I'm aware that the only people who would support me are the people whose opinions, voiced or not, won't matter in the grand scheme because we're invisible.
And JESUS, I feel like I'm being all full-of-myself and swotty and smug, but that's not it at all. I just...
I've been trying to be kinder to myself over the last year or so, because I'm always down on myself. I feel stupid a lot, I feel like everyone else is better than me, like they deserve more than I do because I'm nothing, I'm nobody special.
But that's such BULLSHIT, because why should everyone else be special, but not me, too? I deserve to be happy, too, I deserve the same dignity and respect and kindness that I think everyone who ISN'T me should have, right?
But even recognizing that makes part of my brain go, "You selfish bitch, shut the hell up and go back to your corner and just take it, because you're not worth the dirt you walk on."
I don't think that all the time, I'm not wallowing in depression or anything - most of the time, I'm very upbeat and happy. But when I try to talk about serious things, that part of my brain works overtime to sabotage me. And I'm so tired of it.
So, after going in all those circles, I quite frankly believe that I deserve better, that I shouldn't have to keep submitting myself to what I consider disrespect and even a form of abuse. I am human, and I am excellent at what I do, and I am worth more than the shit I receive here.
...Right?
Thoughts? Points I'm missing? What do you think?Besides, of course, that I'm plum crazy...
I would definitely miss some people here, but that's not enough to keep me. It's the freaking AWESOME benefits I have, the huge amount I already have in the pension plan because I've been here for just shy of eleven years, the excellent PTO accumulation I have, etc. I don't think I'm going to find a better set of benefits anywhere.
The job I want to try for also has a really sweet work schedule - I'd be full time, but my hours would be Sunday through Thursday, from 11:30 AM till 8:00 PM. Which I LOVE. BUT, of course, it means I'd have to give up my secretary position for chapter; we only meet 18 times a year, but meetings start at 7:30 on Thursdays. I don't know how to NOT feel guilty about leaving them in the lurch.
And I told my supervisor about the job, that I was considering applying, because I don't want to blindside him. He is the only person in my direct chain of command who seems to understand the gravity, the seriousness of me leaving the department. Any hesitation to leave this area? It's all centered around leaving him stranded. He already is overwhelmed with too much work, too many people doing too many different things, and he leans on me a LOT. I don't resent it, even like it. But because of the manager and now the lies a coworker is bringing up, I have lost any desire I once had to keep doing this. Or rather, to keep doing this HERE.
And Jim (my supervisor) encourages me, too. He tells me that I should do whatever I want, because he doesn't want to hold me back. He also reminds me that he's going to do what he can to keep me, which I can respect.
But the thing is, I don't necessarily want more money. Sure, it'd be nice, but none of this is about money. If this place really wants to keep me, if he asks me, "What would it take to make you stay here?" I will look him dead in the eye and answer, "Victoria and Michelle gone." He knows I already feel that way, but I haven't said it so succinctly yet, or with the firmness that is absolutely behind it.
And of course, he doesn't have the power to get rid of them - Victoria is HIS supervisor, for pity's sake, and she's already promised Michelle that she "won't lose her job over this." It's a no-win situation. I can't get the help I should have, I don't have a manager who understands how things really work around here, I don't have coworkers who can carry their weight, much less think both inside and outside the box, there's little to no real communication, and for all the restructuring and changes being made, things here DO NOT GET BETTER.
And because I'm a peon and Victoria's a manager, because neither the director nor HR can understand how it is up here, it ends up working around to me being the loser. They're not going to get rid of a manager just because *I* threaten to leave. I'm aware that the only people who would support me are the people whose opinions, voiced or not, won't matter in the grand scheme because we're invisible.
And JESUS, I feel like I'm being all full-of-myself and swotty and smug, but that's not it at all. I just...
I've been trying to be kinder to myself over the last year or so, because I'm always down on myself. I feel stupid a lot, I feel like everyone else is better than me, like they deserve more than I do because I'm nothing, I'm nobody special.
But that's such BULLSHIT, because why should everyone else be special, but not me, too? I deserve to be happy, too, I deserve the same dignity and respect and kindness that I think everyone who ISN'T me should have, right?
But even recognizing that makes part of my brain go, "You selfish bitch, shut the hell up and go back to your corner and just take it, because you're not worth the dirt you walk on."
I don't think that all the time, I'm not wallowing in depression or anything - most of the time, I'm very upbeat and happy. But when I try to talk about serious things, that part of my brain works overtime to sabotage me. And I'm so tired of it.
So, after going in all those circles, I quite frankly believe that I deserve better, that I shouldn't have to keep submitting myself to what I consider disrespect and even a form of abuse. I am human, and I am excellent at what I do, and I am worth more than the shit I receive here.
...Right?
Thoughts? Points I'm missing? What do you think?
