Little Bit of This, Little Bit of That

A few days out from chemo now.

This is what the port looks like. It's maybe a little bigger than a Rolo chocolate, and inserted under the skin. In my case (and possibly most cases), it's in the upper right chest, with a tube snaking into my central jugular vein. Local anesthesia, conscious sedation.



This is about two days after insertion. No light makes that bruise look better; it took a while, they really had to struggle to get it in place. It causes me anxiety most days because for being overweight, the port had to go in one of the few places I really haven't got any fat to spare. I can feel it at all times. The two red bits on the right of this pic aren't even part of the incisions, they are literally the skin ripping from the awful tape they used to dress the incisions with gauze. It is horrid.



This next pic was last Friday - and I keep reminding people it was my birthday, because seriously, how effing SUCKY - while getting the chemo. I look upset or miserable, but really, I had just woken back up. They got the port accessed, drew the labs, got me set up in a bay, and started the saline, and the first three things they gave me were boosters/pre-meds. And the first of those was Benadryl, which alone knocks me the fuck out. Delivered intravenously? I was gone in five minutes and slept through the next two pre-meds (Aloxi - a steroid, and Zantac). It was a total of about 45 minutes for those three, then the two chemo drugs. The first was paclitaxil, which took three hours, and the second was carboplatin, which took 45 minutes. We were pretty surprised, everything went super smoothly and we were out of there by 1:45 PM. And I felt well enough to go get Dairy Queen after.



The day after (Saturday), I actually felt just fine. No side effects, ran errands with my husband, everything was fine.



Since then, not so much. I threw up breakfast Sunday morning and have been intermittently queasy since. I've been making use of the lesser of the anti-nausea meds since then (compazine), but shying away from breaking into the lorazepam; it's meant more to help anxiety and sleeping if you're having issues.

But worst of all is the joint pain. It is INSANE. I can't even describe how much I hurt. It's mostly run through the rest of my body, but is really deeply localized now in my feet with pockets of remaining pain in my knees and shins/calves. Husband has tried rubbing them, but it only makes it hurt more. Acetaminophen - I'm not allowed ibuprofen - doesn't even touch it. Elevating them only mildly helps - I still end up spending a good deal of time nearly crying. If this is neuropathy, I am OVER. IT. It's really difficult and painful to even walk.

Otherwise, I am doing okay. Appetite's a little iffy, but I can eat.

As usual, feel free to ask questions!

PS. A few people have messaged me to ask for the Amazon wishlist. It's HERE, but this is not a hint or a plea in any way, shape, or form. I just think some of it's funny (those SOCKS, LOL), and I learned some things, too. Apparently, peach is the color assigned to uterine/endometrial cancer. Anyway, enjoy. ;)

Leaving in about an hour to head to the hospital. Today is the day I get the port placed. From everything we've been told, it'll be inserted under the skin just on the right of my chest, a few inches above the breast.

Local anesthetic, sedation. Which, of course, means an IV, so I'm in for a fun afternoon. Hopefully I sleep through most of it.

Once placed, it'll have a few days to heal up properly, and then Friday is the big day. I will likely feel fine on Friday - they pump you full of steroids and anti-nausea meds. It's the following two to four days I'm not sure about, as we just don't know what symptoms I'll have. The most common tend to be nausea/vomiting, body aches similar to flu aches, and fatigue. And hair loss, but that will take a couple weeks, I'm told.

I tell you, I am not looking forward to having to walk around here with Kleenex stuffed up my nose; you lose ALL your hair, even the little ones up inside your nose. I am stuffed up due to spring allergies, and just-. Urgh. Am also not liking the idea of possibly vomiting. I loathe doing it, and haven't in years. Felt like it, but always manage to stop it. I still have a few internal stitches working on dissolving, and am afraid of messing something up.

Already saved a couple of cute head coverings on Amazon. I made a wish list for cancer stuff and titled it, "What a Bitch." *snorts out a laugh* They also gave me this great three-ring binder full of all kinds of handy information, and it included a booklet from the American Cancer Society with hats, wigs, scarves, etc. I was actually pleasantly surprised at the prices, there are plenty of cute things in the $10-30 range. Even a few wigs under $60, though I don't know if I'll bother with those. Apparently some insurances will cover that kind of thing, though I haven't bothered to see if mine is one of them.

Hoping for good sedation, I was allowed breakfast before 8:30 this morning, but nothing since, so I'm starting to feel hangry. Am also battling a headache, but that's just because I haven't had caffeine yet today...which I also can't have until dinner. And to top it all off, as I mentioned previously, frigging spring allergies. I never used to have them, but last year and this year? WTF.

Positive: I am not bleeding, and never will again. *thumbs up*

Ready for tomorrow's follow-up appt.

We actually got the path report on the lymph node a couple days ago. It came back positive, which automatically classifies it as stage 3 cancer. This means I'll be getting chemo treatments via IV port, probably starting next Friday, the 29th, so happy fucking birthday to me, I guess.

*snorts out a laugh* I am so done with this year.

TGIF. Good effing gods, it's been a week.

Today finds me at work and crunched up in my chair in weird positions because my ovary and uterus and back are having a wall-thumping orgy in there, and it is not actually conducive to my getting any work done.

Friend/supe M offered me her heating pad, but I move a lot and don't want to be tied to a cord, and also she needs it herself, I'm not taking it from her. And yes, I have an electric throw blanket under the desk, plugged in - which is incredibly against the rules, btw - but don't like to overuse it.

My work partner in crime, C, offered me her corn-filled microwave heat bag, and I went, "Say what, now?" This thing is fabulous. I want fifty of them.

And they seem easy enough to make, so I might give it a try. I could even make up a bunch of hand-warmer size and maybe sell them at the craft fair in the fall. Kind of excited to try!

Tuesday afternoon I got a phone call with the pathology report for the endometrial biopsy. There is "evidence of some cancer." Also in some tissue from the cervix, but they are confident the origin is the uterine lining.

Next steps include a consultation to review records and establish a plan of care, set for Friday, 8 February. It's ALLLLL gotta come out. (Which, frankly, hallelujah, holy shit, where's the Tylenol.)

I will need to be out 3-4 weeks minimum for recovery, and possibly up to 6 weeks, depending on how they need to go in and get it. Guess that PTO payout from the previous job will come in handy - good thing we shoved it into savings.

I am not overly stressed about this diagnosis. There is literally NOTHING I can do, so losing my mind will help nothing, and only agitate loved ones further. My stress revolves solely around how many fucking needles they will be sticking me with.

Feel free to chant, pray, make sacrifices, dance naked in your backyard - whatever you prefer. I expect nothing, and am honestly quite (possibly irrationally) annoyed by the reactions of a few people. I'm not adjusting well to the attention, and I'm half expecting some of it to turn out to be about how it makes OTHERS feel; in a few instances, that already seems to be the case. The one time you would think I'm supposed to just think about my own needs for once, and instead I'm putting out fires and calming down the emotions of others. I'm sorry my body decided to be sick? I gave it a vegetable last week, I don't know what happened? *rolls eyes*

Someone had the audacity to tell me that - wait, wait, I have to go get it verbatim - "What you eat can have a big impact on your health, so let me know if you want more information on nutrition as a way to combat disease." I-. What? It's CANCER. What the SHIT is that going to do at this point? I get that I am overweight, but how is this helpful at this point? Why would she assume I don't know this already, and why would she think that was the kind of thing I wanted or needed to hear? I neither want nor need nutrition information, you twit. I want and need science and medical expertise, and for people to just offer help and be done with it. I ask for very little help as it is, I promise you won't actually have to do anything for me if it might at all inconvenience you.

I have promises from management at work that they have zero intentions of firing me, as everyone is so damn pleased with my work in this position so far. Especially other departments, which is apparently a huge deal. Definitely a good thing, and I may be able to work from home as I feel up to it during recovery, IF I feel up to it. They like me, they really like me! *snorts out a laugh*

Anyway, there's my news, and my hard and sarcastic (cold and heartless?) point of view on top of it. Sorry. I'm apparently extra bitchy today. I realize that I might have been extra bitchy for two full weeks. It might last a while. I'm only kind of sorry. *shrugs*

It's probably not a good thing when a combination of events at work end up with you having a minor meltdown at your desk. Right?

Falling apart.

I am fucking falling apart.

I've spent nearly this entire evening alternating between crying and gagging up acid spit. I believe, friends, that I've developed my first ever case of heartburn.

And I cannot handle it. Hubby is out being heroic right now and buying Tums and some other OTC med so that I have it handy; I'm currently pain-free, but as this has been happening daily for nearly a week, I'm not expecting this is over.

I am so behind the times, friends. 2012 has been here for 25 days now, and it has been a rough start for our house.

( A rough outline of The House of Sick. )

Needless to say, I have not been available to do much of anything lately. I've been trying to keep up on reading entries, but in the interest of saving time because my God, I do not have the spoons, feel free to comment and let me know what all I've missed!

And also, HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone! ♥♥♥

I am flailing a bit at the thought of typing up All The Words. I haven't posted in ages, it seems - indeed, I am not even certain when my last post WAS. Summer. Probably.

Shall we see if I can sumarize?

1. Boychild started seventh grade and turned 13. Same curriculum, but new school, new approach to classes (he's got eight different ones and has to move between them, whereas in previous years it's been one teacher and mostly the same classroom). There has been much struggling, both for him and for us, and tears on both sides to prove it. Things are smoothing out some now, but it's going to be a work in progress.

( A little grainy, as I saved it from hubby's FB with my phone, sorry... )

2. Work is...better. I am still swamped, both overloaded and manager-admitted-underpaid, but-. Changes - big ones - are in the works. I just got my yearly review today, and it was actually really, really good. I was given more info than my other coworkers are being given because the manager is expecting bigger things from me. As a result, I feel very secure in my position, and am aware that doors will be opened in various ways soon, and all I have to do is step through them. I can be open minded, and he is aware that he'll need to give me details in some areas. I'm not feeling the need to seek employment elsewhere, so as far as I'm concerned, things are looking so much better than they were a year ago, even six months ago.

3. Dad had gastric bypass at the beginning of September. He's lost 70 pounds so far, has already lost several clothing sizes, is back into a belt he hasn't been able to use for five years, and is *this far* from being considered "no longer diabetic." This is a HUGE deal, and means that the surgery was really the right thing for him.

4. Sister number three (child number four of the five of us) went through extensive psychiatric testing over the last several months, and the results are in - she will never be able to hold down any kind of meaningful work, or be a functioning member or society. She will probably always live with my parents. While the diagnosis vexes me (I do not pretend to understand how depression or mental illness work), at least now she can apply for disability benefits and possibly bring in *something* to help with my parents' expenses.

5. Sister number two (child three) had her baby girl at the end of August. Eja Alessandra was born 25 August at 12:30 AM EST, 5 pounds, 10.2 ounces and 19 inches long. She was healthy at birth and mom came through it better than her first one. A day later, some kind of enzyme or something stopped working or started working or (Jesus, can we tell I'm not even remotely clued in to illness-related stuff?!) whatever, and baby had a partially collapsed lung, among other things. It was touch and go for a couple days, and then my sister and her hubby moved the baby to a children's hospital, where she immediately began improving. God bless children's hospitals, as well as their incredible staff!! Eja is happy and healthy now, and getting bigger each day.

( A few pictures of my pretty niece! )

6. Try not to pass out with this news: I am going to the doctor today. Not for most of the things I should also probably be seen for, but-. Last month, my right elbow started hurting. It only took a day or two for it to shift and spread down the outer part of my forearm and into my outer wrist and the ring and pinky fingers.

It's affecting my work speed; it hurts to add more than a couple pages of figures. Typing too long hurts. Sometimes writing - the act of holding the pen itself - hurts. And lots of other things are affected, too: I can't really open my own soda bottles anymore, or lift a pot of pasta to drain it, etc. I get out of having to help carry in the groceries, but that's not exactly a trade-off I can fully enjoy, as it hurts to do a host of other things I never actually realized used those particular areas.

I had to wait to be seen, unfortunately, but the day is here, so we'll see what's what, hopefully. Everything I've read points me away from carpal tunnel and mostly in the direction of tennis elbow, but again - we'll see what's what.

( On the TMI scale... )

7. We had our week at the lake in August, which was lovely, and we just had a long weekend up in Duluth, which for the first time ever was GORGEOUS, weather-wise. I would LOVE to live up there. I never, ever get tired of it, even in the rain and gloom and snow. There weren't many leaves left on the trees, but the ones that were there were that stunning autumn red.

8. I've been writing quite a bit, working on my next-gen HP piece I started years ago. I'm revamping quite a bit and writing new scenes, too, and enjoying every second of it. Speaking of HP, one of these days I should post another of my one-shots.

9. Um. I think that's everything? If you'd like me to expand on anything, please let me know! I am reading entries, but haven't commented in ages; I will work on that, but am making no promises as we head into the ever-busy holiday season. Please know that I read you all and am thinking about you. ♥

So, first things first:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I wish all the best for each of you this year!

And now with that said, as far as I'm concerned, 2011 can JUST GO FUCK ITSELF.

Some of you already know about my year so far, but most of you don't, so here, quick recap:

New Year's Eve was rung in with me in bed with a moaning and groaning, tummy-achy Boychild. He was puking and couldn't do a number 2, and didn't want anything touching his belly. We thought it was very similar to his stomach flu last April, and called the nurse line on Saturday morning (New Year's Day) to get an opinion. They told us to go to the Children's hospital to the ER because it might be appendicitis.

Sure enough, Boychild had his appendix out that evening - and apparently, so did my aunt. How weird is that?!

Anyway, we spent that night in the hospital, went home the next day. Kept him home Monday, and Tuesday, and were back in the ER Tuesday night because he was having pain that wasn't getting better. After six hours or so, some pee in a cup, some Xrays and a few CAT scans, everything was normal and we went back home. Stayed home with him again Wednesday.

Over those few days, a nasty cold was developing for me, and while we sent Boychild back to school on Thursday, I stayed home because I was feverish and lightheaded from all the coughing. Managed two hours of work on Friday before being ordered home by the manager.

Felt better Saturday. Had some fabulously authentic El Salvador cuisine for lunch, enjoyed some time bumming around a bit. Got the ingredients I was missing for making chorag (Armenian tea bread) - which turned out gorgeously for a first attempt on Sunday, thankyouverymuch - and just generally had a really nice day on Saturday till 7:30 PM, when MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.

We actually don't know if it fell out of my coat pocket and someone found it or if it was actually grabbed from my pocket, but-.

They cleaned out our bank account over the course of Saturday evening and Sunday (yesterday). Apparently, I didn't really think people could be so carelessly indecent, which is why I'm so, so upset over this.

Canceled the check card Sunday morning and filed a police report, went through the motions.

So anyway, went to the bank this morning right when it opened, and they've been very good to us. Started the process, reversed all the charges and resulting overdraft fees; they'll also keep an eye on still-pending transactions for us, and the girl gave us her card and told us to also keep our eyes on it and let her know anything that seems off.

In the Small Favors department, my Social Security card was NOT in there, and we didn't have credit cards in there. Some debit cards, but they all require a PIN to be used, and the PIN isn't written anywhere. Canceled them anyway to be sure, but am reasonably certain they'd be useless.

Have to go get a new ID this coming weekend, and still call the library, among other places.

Our Relative Custody Assistance check was in my wallet, too, so hopefully the idiots didn't try cashing it; we'll have to get it reissued. And of course, the one person I need to talk to about it hasn't bothered to return my call yet.

My head wants to explode. And dammit, I LIKED that wallet.

I've said it once and I will say it again: PEOPLE are my pet peeve.

It's been a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad YEAR. I think I'll move to Australia.