Little Bit of This, Little Bit of That

I swear, good things do happen in my life, but this year is something else.

I have 4 younger sisters. The middle one, Valerie, passed away on Wednesday morning, which was her 37th birthday.

Like, seriously, 2020. What. The Actual. Fuck.

We are, for the most part, unsurprised, though it was not currently expected. She struggled with pain, massive depression, and lots of drugs. She leaves behind her husband and 5 children (ages 11, 9, 5, 3, and 1).

I don't pray - I see less and less reason for me to believe every day - but she did, most of my family does. If you're the praying type, please spare one for my parents, my sisters, and her husband and children. If you're not, good thoughts for them all are always appreciated.

MotherFUCK, I am exhausted.

Edit to add: There's a GoFundMe set up for her funeral. If you're able, please consider donating or sharing.

I can't brain enough to link it properly, just go here, please and thank you: https://gf.me/u/y4f456

Seriously, though!

I have left y'all hanging since end of May - sorry. Life was hectic and ridiculous for all of 2019.

I left off at "just started radiation, three down, 25 to go" and "holy shit, Compazine isn't working, I sure hope Zofran does." Zofran worked - barely. I had to take it on the dot, one every eight hours, over the entire course of radiation. When I missed it, I was puking.

I was out of work all of May and June, and halfway through July per the infectious disease doc's orders. I had the antibiotic via PICC line through June 14th, and the PICC line removed June 15th. I had another TEE before July for the cardiologist, and was cleared by her July 1st to restart chemo in August. The infectious disease doc cleared me to restart work on July 16th.

Then near the end of July, I got shingles. It surprised exactly ZERO doctors, because shingles is an opportunistic bitch who saw my lack of immune system and said "PARTY IN THIS ONE!!" Luckily, it was just a small patch on my lower left back, right at the waistline, and caught early enough to take the med course.

In August, I was able to take a weekend away before restarting the treatment. It did not last nearly long enough, obviously. I got a new PICC line August 6th, plus a CT scan which came back all clear. August 8th was chemo #3, and August 28th was chemo #4.

Chemo #5 was set for September 16th, but my platelets were too low (they need to be 100 to get chemo, and mine were at 85). My hemoglobin also was at 7.9, so instead of chemo, I got one unit of blood transfused. The following week, everything was high enough (barely) to have chemo #5. The doctor the week before reassured us that having to push them out was something that happens to a LOT of people, so I was not at all an aberration. It basically just meant my body was saying "No, dude, I need more time."

Chemo #6 was set for October 15th, but that one had to be pushed back a week, too; my platelets were only at 80. And, since my hemoglobin was down to 7.3, I got 2 units of blood transfused. Chemo # 6 was on October 22nd, and that completed the cycles.

I kept the PICC line for another month in case the oncologist wanted more scans or blood draws. I made use of that thing - contacted my primary, who I hadn't seen since January, and asked what she wanted besides a new A1C. She ordered the A1C and a complete cholesterol panel, since I'd never had one, and we got that drawn. Excellent news - cholesterol came back completely normal. And my A1C? In January, it was 10. In November, it was down to 6.1. That's HUGE. I contribute it entirely to lack of eating and a bunch of weight loss.

I saw the oncologist November 22nd, and got the all-clear. I am NED (no evidence of disease). And now, follow-up will include exams every three months for the next two years, then every six months for three years after that, then yearly following that if everything comes back clear every time. She also said, "And since you're over 40, you should have a mammogram." I said, "What did you call me?" She laughed and said, "You need a mammogram." Then she went to take out the PICC line, and it GOT STUCK. They ended up sending me to the hospital for imaging, because if it broke off, they'd have to put me in surgery to remove it. The hospital got it out though.

December, I saw the eye doctor because I'd been having vision issues - steroids can fuck up your eyes big time, and I was referred to a retinal specialist and also given a prescription for bifocals. I also saw my primary doctor that day, who was so pleased with the weight loss and the lower A1C that she gave me permission to only test my blood sugar twice a week instead of every day.

And now we're in 2020. Last week on the 23rd, I had three appointments. I saw the retinal specialist first. I have diabetic retinopathy and diabetic macular edema exacerbated by anemia and thrombocytopenia caused by chemo. However, I have 20/20 vision with my glasses and my blood sugars are under control, so he's just going to watch it. I need to see him every 3-4 months to monitor. I do not want needles in my fucking eye, so I guess I watch my diet some more. Sigh.

Then I saw the genetic counselor. I was referred there because while no one in either side of the family has had endometrial or ovarian cancer, there is lots of pancreatic, bladder, colon, and prostate cancer, and all of them are related. I took my dad and my aunt with me to give both sides of the family history, and now am having something like 34 genes tested for anomolies. It's a valid precaution given the family history, and is literally to help map me out and determine if I'm more at risk for other cancers, and if so, to recommend appropriate screenings early. So I spent 25 minutes working up enough spit to fill the tube (no pokes! woohoo!), and it's off to a lab for testing now.

And finally, I had that mammogram. Called the insurance several weeks ago to make sure 3D was covered and if I needed anything, and they said just ask for it, you're good. Asked for it, got it. And y'all, big boobs win the day - nothing about the mammogram hurt AT. ALL. Four images, one each for the front, one each for the side. And the results came back next day as normal, so my boobs are fine.

I am so doctored out, but this is my life now. And while I'm glad I don't currently have cancer, I'm still so irritated any of it happened at all. I've got people godding at me left and right - give it all to "god," "god" will get you through this, blah, blah, blah. My faith is tenuous - AT BEST - and I am not looking for saving, though I don't get mad or upset when people say they pray for me. I don't believe it does one jack of good, but if it helps them feel better, who am I to keep them from following their own beliefs? I just want them to lay off trying to shove me into following them, too.

Lingering side effects include neuropathy in my hands and feet. They are both always cold. Always. They hurt unless they're wrapped in a heated blanket. I work with numb fingers every day because nothing helps. We're not allowed to have space heaters at our desks - but I found a foot rest that has radiant heating in it, so they have no idea I can at least keep my feet warm.

I lost so much weight last year. So much. I'm down ten pants sizes and two shirt sizes. I'm hovering now because I've finally started to get an appetite back, but am watching it more closely because frigging diabetes.

Once surgery was done, I entered surgical menopause. I have very little issue with it, mostly just a hot flash here and there, and super minor from the sounds of it. Maybe one every other day or so, and just a few minutes of needing to fan myself, and then I'm fine. Small favors, right? ;)

My fatigue has tapered off quite a bit. I still need a nap here and there, but nothing like it used to be. And I can finally start helping carry stuff up the stairs - I just need one hand free for the railing, as I still need the support. Mornings and stairs are hard sometimes too, but only because I'm still adjusting to moving after being in bed all night. I only stumble while walking if it's been a very long day and I'm tired, and my balance is almost all back.

My hair is finally starting to grow back, I have lashes and brows again. And nose hair! You never think about it until you don't have it. And thank every deity you want, my hair is coming in stick-straight again. I didn't care what color it came back, as long as it wasn't curly. And it's not at all curly at this point. Huge win. Still have not used shampoo or anything on it, I kind of want to see how it goes. My baby sister, the hair guru, said for dry scalp to use baking soda, then rinse with one part apple cider vinegar, three parts water. Tried that last night, we'll see how it works.

Tentatively, I'll say that things are definitely looking up. *thumbs up*

Separately, life has been wild. My sister who had the baby last year attempted to kill herself in August. She was put in inpatient rehab, which she just graduated from on Saturday, and is now in an independent living place for a while because she's not allowed back home yet. The kids were taken into protective care for a month until their dad managed to get them back, so all of their lives are upside down, but at least they're back together except for Val. And she's at least putting in effort this time. It scares her that she knew what she was doing, but not what triggered it. I'm hoping that's enough to keep her working at it.

Parents turn 65 this year. Mom is on Saturday, and her Medicare kicked in January 1st, so she's been pleased that she can go to the doctor now without worrying about insurance. Dad only has to worry about his until July, when he will turn 65. He's been in the ER a couple times the last three months for chest pain, but thankfully no further heart attacks - both were muscle-strain related.

Got a new-to-us car in early July, as the Geezermobile finally straight-up died. We got a 2016 Ford Fusion Energi, a plug-in hybrid. We love it so far, especially the gas savings.

And Honorary Baby Sister had her baby end of July. He's healthy and beautiful and has a normal name, thank all the stars - Peter Andrew.

This got long, I'm so sorry. I hope you are all doing well!!

Tuesday afternoon I got a phone call with the pathology report for the endometrial biopsy. There is "evidence of some cancer." Also in some tissue from the cervix, but they are confident the origin is the uterine lining.

Next steps include a consultation to review records and establish a plan of care, set for Friday, 8 February. It's ALLLLL gotta come out. (Which, frankly, hallelujah, holy shit, where's the Tylenol.)

I will need to be out 3-4 weeks minimum for recovery, and possibly up to 6 weeks, depending on how they need to go in and get it. Guess that PTO payout from the previous job will come in handy - good thing we shoved it into savings.

I am not overly stressed about this diagnosis. There is literally NOTHING I can do, so losing my mind will help nothing, and only agitate loved ones further. My stress revolves solely around how many fucking needles they will be sticking me with.

Feel free to chant, pray, make sacrifices, dance naked in your backyard - whatever you prefer. I expect nothing, and am honestly quite (possibly irrationally) annoyed by the reactions of a few people. I'm not adjusting well to the attention, and I'm half expecting some of it to turn out to be about how it makes OTHERS feel; in a few instances, that already seems to be the case. The one time you would think I'm supposed to just think about my own needs for once, and instead I'm putting out fires and calming down the emotions of others. I'm sorry my body decided to be sick? I gave it a vegetable last week, I don't know what happened? *rolls eyes*

Someone had the audacity to tell me that - wait, wait, I have to go get it verbatim - "What you eat can have a big impact on your health, so let me know if you want more information on nutrition as a way to combat disease." I-. What? It's CANCER. What the SHIT is that going to do at this point? I get that I am overweight, but how is this helpful at this point? Why would she assume I don't know this already, and why would she think that was the kind of thing I wanted or needed to hear? I neither want nor need nutrition information, you twit. I want and need science and medical expertise, and for people to just offer help and be done with it. I ask for very little help as it is, I promise you won't actually have to do anything for me if it might at all inconvenience you.

I have promises from management at work that they have zero intentions of firing me, as everyone is so damn pleased with my work in this position so far. Especially other departments, which is apparently a huge deal. Definitely a good thing, and I may be able to work from home as I feel up to it during recovery, IF I feel up to it. They like me, they really like me! *snorts out a laugh*

Anyway, there's my news, and my hard and sarcastic (cold and heartless?) point of view on top of it. Sorry. I'm apparently extra bitchy today. I realize that I might have been extra bitchy for two full weeks. It might last a while. I'm only kind of sorry. *shrugs*

Thank you for all your thoughts and suggestions regarding Boychild. There were several points made that I would not have considered on my own, and I really, really appreciate the support, no matter how large or small.

I called his health plan's member services today to ask them where and how to start. We don't need a referral for this kind of thing according to them, so I said where I'd like to take him, they told me it was perfectly okay to take him there, and gave me a phone number. The clinic is closed on Fridays, so I'll be calling them on Monday to start the ball rolling.

I am anxious to get going, and - somewhat selfishly - to stop being upset with him so much. He seems to have inherited several of the issues my sister deals with, which just adds a whole new level of irritation for me. He is different enough, though, that I don't look at him and only see my sister, so that's something.

I am aware that this is very vague and that the way I explain things is not quite chronological or coherent; I always find I'm leaving things out. There are so many feelings and thoughts that go into everything that I'm not certain I know the best way to lay them out. I'm not averse to discussing anything, so if you're curious or have a question, by all means, ask.

And if you don't, that's okay, too. ;)

I think I better think up a tag for this. And maybe go get some hair dye, because there are more white ones there than I am willing to continue seeing.

Wow, it's been a while. Which, of course, I say every time I post, and it doesn't encourage me to post more often. *rolls eyes at self*

Nothing too much is new; work is as beastly and deplorable as ever, so I'm viewing and applying for other positions every week.

Hubby and Boychild are both in good health and happy. Boychild is trying wrestling this winter at school - we don't have the slightest idea why, but hey, it's exercise. He'll do tennis again in the spring.

My parents and sister were approved to move into our apartment complex, and they actually got to have the one right across the hall from us. This is a really awesome thing, and so we've been busy helping them move in bit by bit each weekend lately. We both leave our doors unlocked during the day, which enables us to just go back and forth between the two apartments. They don't have a microwave yet, so they come over to use ours; if someone's in one bathroom, we can go across the hall to use the other one. It's just really nice, too, having them right there.

We've also been going to the Y when we can. Not often lately, but things have calmed a little, so we're going to try a few visits this week. We all love the pool, though we're going to try more with the weights, too.

Finally got a new library card (my wallet was stolen a couple years ago and I just never replaced the card), so we've been in and out of the library again. Have a few books on hold, but can't pick them up till tomorrow. Hubby's getting both The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From the Living Dead and World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War (Max Brooks), and I'm getting Dreams From My Father (Barack Obama), What's So Amazing About Grace (Philip Yancey) and His Majesty's Dragon (Naomi Novik). I hear so many good things about the Temeraire series, I decided it was high time I looked it up and tried it. Thoughts?

I should really update my reading list here, but will wait on that one - formatting takes too long and I am too lazy at the moment.

In the meantime, I've been reading lots of Narnia fic, specifically rthstewart's work on both AO3 and ff.net - it is fantastic stuff and so worth the time it's taken to get through it all. The world-building is phenomenal and the writing exceptional.

I don't think I've anything else to report. How is everyone?

It's Friday, it's payday, and I'm mostly relaxed. My irritating coworker is gone today and I'm looking forward to the weekend - even if tonight's adventures include Thing 1 and Thing 2 spending the night at our place with Boychild. I foresee much noise and probably a bit of shushing, among other things.

Sarah, mother of Things 1 & 2, just had surgery on Monday. She had a melanoma on the bottom of her pinky toe, and had to have a biopsy and then most of the pinky toe amputated. The biopsy on the lymph nodes and surrounding areas came back negative, thankfully. Even so, we're giving her a bit of a quiet break by taking the boys overnight, which is nice for both her and Boychild, even if noisy for hubby and I.

Think I'll make this for family dinner on Sunday - sounds full of awesome.

Just got off the phone with my sister; apparently, Dad just missed the last step at home and is being seen right now for a swelling ankle. Shit. He already can't walk very well - although truth be told, that surgery has done wonders for him. He's lost over 70 pounds now, and was doing better. We'll have to see what the doc says; might have to do dinner at their place on Sunday instead!

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Hubby put a new OS on my phone, so I thought maybe I'd try posting photos a little more often to keep it a little more organized.

( The last week, in pictures. )

In other news, it's the weekend! Very happy about this. Tomorrow, it will be exactly 4 weeks till we leave for the lake. Looking SO forward to it; I can already feel myself winding down. Better warn my boss. *hee*

Seriously, this winter has just been hanging on and hanging on. It's been Spring for a month and we've had snow several times since then.

Which, yes, I know is fairly common around here, but still. I love Winter, I love snow, I love the cold - but even I have my limits. I am ready to stop putting on socks every day, and to stop wearing a bulky coat.

( This was Wednesday morning where I live. )

Just. Yikes. NEED SPRING, PLEASE.

I haven't posted in a while - last time, I left y'all with woe about our car. Things are better now, I'm just finally taking a moment to post.

( Car and California. )

( Foooood. )

( What is the world coming to? )

( Haircut! )

OK, I think that's it for now; I will have to come back with pictures next time from California, and of my hair. I hope y'all are having a nicer warm-up for Spring than we are (I know, Wisconsin, believe me - I know), and hopefully I will be back here more often to post. XD.

So, first things first:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I wish all the best for each of you this year!

And now with that said, as far as I'm concerned, 2011 can JUST GO FUCK ITSELF.

Some of you already know about my year so far, but most of you don't, so here, quick recap:

New Year's Eve was rung in with me in bed with a moaning and groaning, tummy-achy Boychild. He was puking and couldn't do a number 2, and didn't want anything touching his belly. We thought it was very similar to his stomach flu last April, and called the nurse line on Saturday morning (New Year's Day) to get an opinion. They told us to go to the Children's hospital to the ER because it might be appendicitis.

Sure enough, Boychild had his appendix out that evening - and apparently, so did my aunt. How weird is that?!

Anyway, we spent that night in the hospital, went home the next day. Kept him home Monday, and Tuesday, and were back in the ER Tuesday night because he was having pain that wasn't getting better. After six hours or so, some pee in a cup, some Xrays and a few CAT scans, everything was normal and we went back home. Stayed home with him again Wednesday.

Over those few days, a nasty cold was developing for me, and while we sent Boychild back to school on Thursday, I stayed home because I was feverish and lightheaded from all the coughing. Managed two hours of work on Friday before being ordered home by the manager.

Felt better Saturday. Had some fabulously authentic El Salvador cuisine for lunch, enjoyed some time bumming around a bit. Got the ingredients I was missing for making chorag (Armenian tea bread) - which turned out gorgeously for a first attempt on Sunday, thankyouverymuch - and just generally had a really nice day on Saturday till 7:30 PM, when MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.

We actually don't know if it fell out of my coat pocket and someone found it or if it was actually grabbed from my pocket, but-.

They cleaned out our bank account over the course of Saturday evening and Sunday (yesterday). Apparently, I didn't really think people could be so carelessly indecent, which is why I'm so, so upset over this.

Canceled the check card Sunday morning and filed a police report, went through the motions.

So anyway, went to the bank this morning right when it opened, and they've been very good to us. Started the process, reversed all the charges and resulting overdraft fees; they'll also keep an eye on still-pending transactions for us, and the girl gave us her card and told us to also keep our eyes on it and let her know anything that seems off.

In the Small Favors department, my Social Security card was NOT in there, and we didn't have credit cards in there. Some debit cards, but they all require a PIN to be used, and the PIN isn't written anywhere. Canceled them anyway to be sure, but am reasonably certain they'd be useless.

Have to go get a new ID this coming weekend, and still call the library, among other places.

Our Relative Custody Assistance check was in my wallet, too, so hopefully the idiots didn't try cashing it; we'll have to get it reissued. And of course, the one person I need to talk to about it hasn't bothered to return my call yet.

My head wants to explode. And dammit, I LIKED that wallet.

I've said it once and I will say it again: PEOPLE are my pet peeve.

It's been a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad YEAR. I think I'll move to Australia.

1. Dentist appointment went all right yesterday. She tried shooting me up with the Novocaine by herself this time, but apparently, I kept trying to get away from the needle - even with my eyes shut. She ended up giving me more topical numbing stuff and then getting the assistant to come hold my hand and keep me still.

So both fillings are done, which means I'm done now except for regular cleanings, although the dentist did say that my bottom one may end up needing root canal down the road. I'm not too horrified about it; I don't like going to the dentist by any means, but she and her assistant have been so good with me that I'm not panicky about the idea like I might otherwise be.

Since both fillings were in my back right molars, top and bottom, they had to shoot me up with, like, double the Novocaine; something about the bottom ones being deep tissue and they're always harder. So I leave the place and go with hubby to bum around Target till it was time to pick up Boychild from school, and my lips are all dry and icky, right? So I pull out my lip balm and try to put it on. I got the top lip done all right, and half the bottom lip before apparently continuing to draw across the rest of my face. I couldn't feel my lip after about the middle, and of course that whole portion of my face was just as devoid of feeling. I thought hubby was going to wet himself, he was laughing so hard! Which made me laugh, too, and then I promptly forgot how to swallow properly, which was partially because my tongue - also numb - was caught on my teeth on that side and I couldn't tell.

Cue nearly-hysterical laughter in the middle of Target.

Finally regained all feeling about five hours or so later - and had to dig out the leftover Vicodin from July's root canal because WOW, Novocaine makes me sore!

Feeling all right today, but leery about eating anything really solid, still.

2. All managers and supervisors are out today; it's been lovely up here.

3. My mom's dog didn't need surgery after all; the vet said it should be cleared up with the proper medication, so Christmas is saved for them. I feel like a heel for bitching about it yesterday, but JESUS. You know?

4. I have graphics I need to make this evening, among other things - hopefully I'll remember everything!

5. How is everyone doing this week? ♥